Foundation for
Reconciliation
Standing for Something
"I was born in Provo, UT
in 1981 into a typical Mormon family with goodly parents. My mom was
a stay-at-home mom and my father worked to support his wife and
kids. My youth was typical of a young, Utah Mormon boy of my
generation. I had a proud pioneer heritage, I went to church on
Sunday, I got baptized when I was 8, joined the Cub Scouts, I took
piano lessons, was ordained a Deacon at age 12, and I was a good big
brother to my sisters. I spent a lot of time with my family. We
spent holidays and birthdays and anniversaries with my aunts and
uncles, cousins and grandparents. I liked video games and did well
in school. I was like every other boy my age… except for one thing.
I knew when I was 7 that I
was different but I didn’t know in what way. By the time I was in
Boy Scouts I had learned the word and had been taught it was a grave
and filthy sin. At age 11 I tried everything I could to make “the
feelings” as I called them, go away even though my feelings were
natural and normal and as inherent to me as the color of my eyes. I
prayed until my knees bled. I didn’t just knock on the door, I
pounded with fists and exhausted myself throughout high school,
begging God to make me normal and to take away “the feelings.”
Everyday became a battle to be something I was not.
I missed out on healthy,
teenage development such as dating. I didn’t want to date girls, but
the cost of pursuing the puppy love feelings I felt towards those of
my sex would have come at too great a cost. Self-abnegation became
the dominating theme of my life, lurking behind every choice I made.
I carried within me a secret so dark and terrifying, especially when
considered in an eternal perspective. Everything I did or would do
carried consequences that would keep me from my family in the
Celestial Kingdom, and I would be so unclean as to be cast out from
the presence of God for eternity. I feared that in life my secret
would be discovered and I would be excommunicated, hated, reviled,
and cut off from my family, friends and community. I saw faces twist
in disgust when they talked about the gays. The gays were sad,
depressed, angry, unhappy, and pitiful. I never wanted to become
that, but I lived in constant fear that I would.
The Church offered me no
comfort, support, or guidance during those painful and lonely years.
I was told to repress who I was and continue pretending to be
something I was not. The teachings of the church did nothing but
heap more unearned guilt on my tortured soul for some “sin” I hadn’t
even committed. The Church taught that “gay” was not a noun, but
that the word “gay” was merely an adjective used to describe a
temporary condition. The Church called it Same Sex Attraction. The
Church even taught that if someone truly wanted to overcome his Same
Sex Attraction that it was possible for him to do so. I committed to
being the best Mormon the world had ever known. I earned my Eagle
Scout, attended my Young Men activities, paid tithing, followed the
Word of Wisdom, magnified my callings, was a Jr. Home Teaching
companion, studied the Book of Mormon and church history, graduated
from Seminary, took friends to see the Mesa Temple at Christmas and
Easter, went to ward service projects, and blessed the Sacrament for
the elderly members of the ward too sick to attend. After high
school I went to Institute before leaving on a mission to Russia.
Nobody can tell me that I didn’t come before God with a broken heart
and a contrite spirit. I wanted to change and I pleaded for it. But
the change never came.
Gordon B. Hinckley said
that all people were welcome in the church but that all people have
to “discipline themselves.” If not, they are subject to the
discipline of the church. I interpret that to mean gays should
remain celibate just like any single member. On the surface that
statement sounds fair, but it’s not. Gays are not only to remain
celibate, but are to remain alone for life, not necessarily by
choice, but by decree. Gays of any age cannot hold positions of
authority in the Church. There are Young Single Adult wards and
activities, but nothing for the gay members. We are not encouraged
to date, hold hands, or fall in love as the straight members are.
The Church accepts us as long as we keep quite and remain invisible.
During the summer of 2005
I met someone and was quickly falling in love. I wanted to shout it
from the rooftops the way my other friends could when they were in
love. I had finally outgrown my closet. I told my parents and my
father replied, “I always hoped this day wouldn’t come, but now that
it’s here, it’s not so bad.” He apologized that he hadn’t been able
to help me during my darkest years. Coming out to my father brought
us closer together than we had ever been because I finally had no
secrets.
I officially resigned from
the Church after Proposition 8 in 2008. I lost a good friend from
high school and a great friend from my mission who named his
first-born son after me. Both of these friends told me they did not
support gay rights, that I was a sinner, that I was disgusting, that
God would punish me, that I was an “apostate”, and that I would
become a hallow shell of a man. I’d usually laugh at such bald-faced
assertions but in this instance, I can’t.
Gordon B. Hinckley said in
2004 that the Church is not “anti-gay” but “pro-family.” How utterly
ridiculous a statement for him to make! I have a family. I didn’t
spawn on the floor in a gay den of iniquity to usher in the
destruction of the family. I have parents and siblings who love and
support me, despite the awful things the Church says about people
like me. I have a wonderful partner who loves me and the last four
years together with him have been the most fulfilling years of my
life.
When I came out I made the
decision to stand for something, to make a difference so that no
other gay children grow up in self loathing, wasting that which is
immaculately their own: their life. No little boy or girl should
grow up feeling afraid of who they are and feeling lost and alone.
The values of the Church
are reflected in recent actions and there is something fundamentally
wrong with an organization that treats its own members so poorly.
Instead of fighting for equality and respect for all people, the
Church continues to be divisive and spread misinformation. Gay
people, like me, have families. There are many gay couples with
children. The Church was wrong to raise millions of dollars in
support of legislation that keeps those children and those families
relegated to a lower status and unequal in the eyes of the law. That
action is morally abhorrent. I escaped the clutches of the Church
relatively unscathed, but there are many who don’t. Their voice and
their stories must to be heard." -J.
Seth Anderson, August, 2009
