Foundation for
Reconciliation
If It Is a
Good Seed
"One
man’s journey pulling his Mormon faith from the closet.
I
have said more than once throughout my life that I am glad that I am
not gay because I would not know how to reconcile the gospel with my
orientation. Because I am not gay I never felt the need to address
these contradictions, in the words of my Bishop, “putting my
uneasiness on the shelf.” This changed when my wife of thirteen
years came out to me.
Bloody Knuckles
“To
those who say that this practice or any other evil is incurable, I
respond: “How can you say the door cannot be opened until your
knuckles are bloody, till your head is bruised, till your muscles
are sore?” -Spencer W. Kimble
I
was married sixteen and half years. My wife and I have 4 beautiful
children. I met my wife when I came home from my mission and she was
leaving on hers. I waited for her. We were married five months after
she returned home. We shared common values. We were both committed
to the church and each other.
When
I asked her to marry me I did so because I believed God told me to.
I still believe God told me to. I will never regret that decision. I
remember going to the Manti Temple--I had been praying and had
fasted to know if I should marry her. I went to the prayer circle.
During the prayer I felt the distinct impression that I would have
to be crazy not to marry her. I also knew at that moment that we
would have struggles I did not understand at that moment.
We
were married when my wife had one year left at BYU and I had two. We
prayed together and on our own. We had family home evening and
studied our scriptures. We always attended church. We also went to
the temple often. We always struggled in our marriage. Although we
were very committed to each other and constantly talked for hours we
always had huge struggles in our marriage. My wife says she knew I
was passionately devoted to her, and she went into marriage hoping
that my passion and love would help her one day to feel the same. I
could tell that see did not yearn for me. I continually felt like a
failure, but did not want to ever acknowledge my fears. I guess I
have been of the ‘fake it till you make it’ ilk for a long time. My
wife felt like a failure for not feeling the passion for me that I
felt for her. We hated ourselves for our perceived ineffectiveness.
We both felt blamed by the other person. My wife even felt degraded
by every part of our physical relationship, even kissing and holding
hands, but still did everything she knew how to do to try and over
come these issues. I felt like a complete failure. I knew she did
not love me. I wanted her to want me and to need me. I settled for
her appreciating me. I thought about suicide many times during those
years. Many times I prayed all night asking: How things will ever
work out? What can I do more? Why did you want us to get married? I
can not tell you how many times I prayed all night about these
issues or that we stayed up all night talking trying to work things
out. Some times I would just walk all night.
I
think of the words of Alma:
“But behold, as the seed swelleth, and sprouteth, and beginneth to
grow, then you must needs say that the seed is good: for behold it
swelleth, and sprouteth, and beginneth to grow. And now, behold,
will not this strengthen your faith? Yea, it will strengthen your
faith: for ye will say I know that this is a good seed: for behold
it sprouteth and beginneth to grow.”
How
long before a good seed would start to grow? I knew nothing else to
do to help it to grow.
We
did have many good times together, but our struggles were always
troubling us. We both went to counselors at different times in our
marriage, hoping to get help. Though we always worked at talking we
would go long periods of time when one or both of us would stop
trying to have a physical relationship.
When
we had been married for about 12 years we experienced one of these
periods that lasted just over 18 months. My wife had shared with me
that she did not know why but she had absolutely no sexual desire at
all. I believed it was wrong for me to ask for intimacy when it
would be only one sided. I eventually started sleeping on the couch
because it was too much for me to lay next to her in bed. During all
this time we attended church, had family prayer, family home
evening, went to the temple together, and spent long hours together
talking.
At
this time I felt hugely guilty for my sexual desire. I believed that
anyway that I could express them would be evil or sin. I believed it
was wrong to approach my wife with them, it was definitely wrong to
go to anyone else, and I believed it was wrong to masturbate. I
started feeling insane with my sexual desire. I even prayed for
sexual desire to be taken away. This seemed to only make them
increase. During this time I went to a stake priesthood meeting and
the theme was internet porn. This was a temptation for me and I knew
to resist these temptations, but I was on the verge of tears because
I wanted them to tell me how to get rid of this insane desire. I
hoped in vain for some guidance. Maddingly, none came. I was sitting
next to my elder’s quorum president during this meeting. I think I
really worried him. The very next Sunday he taught a lesson on
forgiveness, how no matter what we have done God loves us and we can
be forgiven-- somehow this message did not really address my issues.
Finally, I just remembered the words of a close friend I had taught
with years before, Charles. Charles had been raised in the church,
and served a mission. After years in the church his wife that he had
married in the temple left him. This spurned a trial of his faith
that had lasted for years. At one point he chose to start drinking
coffee. After that he never really felt comfortable attending, but
he said he still asked himself everyday if God was Mormon? When he
shared with me about his struggle with the Word of Wisdom, I said
something to the effect that the Word of Wisdom was not my issue,
but I had others. He asked what they were. I said my sexual desire.
He said remember God gave you that desire. When I remembered these
words I decided to stop trying to make these feelings go away. It
was like turning off a light. Not that my desire went away it just
came down to a level I could deal with. I could function. I was no
longer going crazy. I could even sleep next to my wife.
Soon
after I came to this realization, my wife shared with me that she
had come to understand that she was gay. I had never seen such
happiness and self-acceptance in her eyes. I could not help but be
happy for her. I also, selfishly, felt relief to think that I was
not a failure. I felt the spirit confirm to me that homosexuality
was not a malignancy or a mistake. I knew in my heart that God
created her homosexual. This knowledge is where my journey began. To
see her happiness I knew it is how God made life to be. We are made
to be happy. We are not made to live in misery.
We
attempted to resume our physical relationship in a limited way. She
believed that when she felt enough physical desire she could come to
me and we could have a sexual experience. Yes, she has been able to
have a sexual experience with me. Just as I am sure even though I am
not attracted to men if I was sexual with a man I’m sure I could
climax, but it would always feel wrong, bad, even degrading. It
became obvious that this was happening with her. We both came to the
conclusion separately that we could no longer pursue a physical
relationship with each other, amazingly this one step started to
bring us closer together. I guess at this point we threw out the bad
seed. We knew we would never have a romantic relationship. I now
understand that because our physical relationship was one-sided it
was also degrading and abusive to my wife and ultimately to both of
us, therefore it only drove us apart. I believe ending our romantic
relationship made it possible for me to make changes so our
communication could become effective and caring. We planted a new
seed. We began building a different relationship as only friends so
we could be better partners as parents. This seed is rooted in the
understanding that God created my wife as a homosexual and she is
not going to change. This seed started growing immediately. It has
continued to this day, and we enjoy the fruit of that seed today and
I am grateful for what our relationship has become.
Mourn With Those Who Mourn
Our
local Bishop has been supportive to my wife since she came out to
him. He is a very kind man. He gave my wife a pamphlet entitled “God
Loves His Children”. In this pamphlet it encourages members that
struggle with “same sex attraction” to only share their orientation
with their bishop and maybe a close family member. I struggled with
this council. I believe it is given in the spirit of protecting
homosexual members. Still, we are asking members of the church to
keep secret what Elder Wickman describes as a “core characteristic”.
Are we not taught that it is the devil that operates in secret?
Sitting in church I have heard many members say things I know are
not intended to hurt anyone, but they come across to me as hurtful
to homosexual members. One of the problems I believe, is that the
speakers of these statements do not know that there are homosexuals
in the room.
On
many occasions I would sit in church seeing all the married couples
in the ward, and realizing that they all think that my wife and I
have the same type of relationship they do. Not that I think our
relationship is anything to be ashamed of. In fact I believe our
relationship is something very beautiful. It hurts to realize that I
am being dishonest with everyone there.
It
also hurts to know that not one of these people has any idea of who
I am. How can any of these people mourn with me when I mourn?
How
much more pronounced is this experience for the gay member sitting
hoping that no one finds out who they really are because they may be
hated?
Why
do we come together to worship?
Why
do we have a ward family?
I
think Alma described it well, when he spoke about being willing to
mourn with those who mourn and comfort those who stand in need of
comfort. How can a homosexual member receive any of the benefits
from having a faith community, a ward family?
The
brethren are very warm when they speak to homosexual members. They
tell us there is no sin in the feelings of “same sex attraction”.
They also say that these inclinations should be controlled and
subdued and never given in to. So in essence these feelings that are
not sin are temptations.
What
does this feel like to some one who only shares these feelings with
the bishop and maybe a close family member as if it is a confession
of a serious sin? How does it feel when these feelings are always
there?
In
fact my wife shared with me the more she felt the spirit the
stronger these feeling were. How does this member feel like
part of the ward much less a child of God?
Pioneering
We
in the church have a resonance with the symbolism of pioneers. I
have ancestors who crossed the plans. I recently had a friend make
an interesting comparison. His comparison started with blacks in the
church. For a long time there were many racially bigoted members of
the church. Many of whom used the church position concerning blacks
and the priesthood as an excuse to hold on to their bigotry. In
fact, I remember as a child being taught “doctrines” that explained
this position. These ranged from blacks having descended from Cain
and having his curse, to blacks sat on the fence in the pre-mortal
life. As I grew older I learned that these had been all taught by
general authorities even in conference. I latter found that these
“doctrines” came straight from the play book of the KKK. This friend
said that any black member of the church particularly before 1978
was a pioneer, and that homosexual members are pioneers as well.
The
first part of his comparison I believe is true. I think a pioneer is
someone that goes first and blazes a trail so that others see which
way to go. I think as black members attended church, white members
not only got to know them, but also saw they were black. It is easy
to be bigoted when you have never met any one different than
yourself. When you get to know a black man as your brother it is
harder to treat him with disdain. Therefore, that comparison of the
presence of a black person in church would break down boundaries and
mark the trail, works.
The
second part of my friend’s comparison, I believe, does not work. If
the church asks homosexual members not to be public about their
orientation and they continue to sit in wards unknown to their ward
brothers and sisters, what barriers can be challenged, what change
can be made, how is the trail marked?
How
can we affect change? I believe this is a question of great
importance. The brethren tell us they are called bigoted and
homophobic because of their stance on homosexual behavior. They may
be right, but I believe that this is not the reason that the
institution is prejudiced. I believe the institution of the church
is prejudiced for other reasons. One is how homosexual members can
never feel secure with their ward family. I also believe that
because of this secrecy the potential for a member to enter into an
abusive relationship without understanding the risks is great.
Without openness about homosexuality many members enter heterosexual
marriages like my wife, not understanding that their sexual
orientation will hinder, even cripple, their ability to make a
sexual relationship work. They then will spend years feeling guilty
for not feeling what they cannot feel. Others feel ashamed to admit
to themselves or their spouses that they have feelings when they
feel condemned by those feelings. Still, some straight spouses never
understand when their gay spouse shares with them about their
orientation. In these cases many straight spouses become abusive, or
condemning.
Marriages like mine are no longer advocated by the church as a cure
of homosexuality. This is great because they are not cures for
homosexuality, and because they are abusive situations. Would any of
us want our daughters to enter a sexual relationship with someone
they had no sexual attraction for, is this not sexual abuse? How
many young homosexuals asked to focus so much on our heterosexual
roles never ask the question “am I gay?” until they have been in an
abusive relationship for more than 13 years?
We,
as a church institution and culture need to find out how we can
change these things or we will continue as a people to be
prejudiced.
A
Good Name
“Always use the proper name for things. Fear of a name increases
fear of the thing itself.” -Albus Dumbledore
In
1995 Elder Oaks explained that we should not use the words gay,
lesbian, or homosexual to describe a person.
“We
should note that the words homosexual, lesbian, and gay are
adjectives to describe particular thoughts, feelings, or behaviors.
We should refrain from using these words as nouns to identify
particular conditions or specific persons. Our religious doctrine
dictates this usage. It is wrong to use these words to denote a
condition, because this implies that a person is consigned by birth
to a circumstance in which he or she has no choice in respect to the
critically important matter of sexual behavior.”
I
take issue with his logic. If we are to take his logic at face value
it would also say that since I am a heterosexual male therefore I
have no choice but to have sex with women. This I believe is
preposterous. Yes, for some reason my body desires women. This does
not imply that I have no choice in my behavior. It does imply that
my desire for women is different than say, my desire for chocolate
or a Big Mac.
The
same is true for those who are homosexual. Their desire for someone
of the same sex is very different than desire for chocolate or a Big
Mac. Sexual desire is something that does not go away and it is
biological in nature.
To
use a word like same-sex attraction implies other things. First of
all it is like calling a black person colored. It is not openly
derogatory, but it is not equivalent to the term we use for the
majority. Like black and white are equivalent terms. Homosexual and
heterosexual are equivalent terms. To use a nonequivalent term such
as same-sex attraction is not only diminutive in nature, it implies
pathology. We are saying there is something wrong with you. You are
not as good. You have a problem we do not have. It also implies that
your sexual desires are not as real as mine. It implies that
homosexual desires are more like a desire for chocolate or a Big Mac
and should be easy to live without. It dismisses the issue and
relegates these feelings to a symptom of a problem like alcohol,
gambling, or pornography that are symptoms to the problem of
addiction. In fact, many have directly said homosexuality is an
addiction and should be treated as such. The problem with calling it
an addiction is in order to be addicted to something you need to
have partaken of it. Homosexuals are attracted to people of the same
sex long before they have had any sexual relations, just as I was
attracted to women long before I had ever had any sexual relations
with a woman.
Homosexuality, or same-sex attraction, is not like the temptations
we have to lie, cheat, steal, or speed on the freeway. The feelings
of homosexuality are substantially different than the temptations
mentioned, and they are equivalent to heterosexual feelings.
To
continually call these feelings “same-sex attraction” encourages
heterosexuals to ignore this issue. We do not see that there are
homosexual members in every unit of the church. They are not there,
otherwise how could so many hurtful things be said in our ward
meetings. Also, it creates fear of the homosexual. If we never use
the word it becomes something to be afraid of. I believe
Dumbledore’s words here implicitly. We do fear that which we are
afraid to say. How do I hear the word homosexual at church or among
my ward family? People talk about the homosexual agenda, or that
homosexuals are destroying the family. These phrases are laced with
fear of the other.
Not
calling a spade a spade here perpetuates bigotry. It also I believe
it is a way we can call good evil and evil good.
If
we asked a random church member if homosexuals are good or bad, what
do you think most would say?
Do
we even consider that we could be sitting next to a homosexual
member in Sunday school?
Do
we consider the same homosexual member may be living the church
teachings better than ourselves?
Why
do homosexual members sit in fear and in pain in our wards?
Why
do so many of our homosexual brothers and sisters attempt and commit
suicide?
Might it have something to do with how we treat them?
Could it have something to do with the language we use that implies
they are not there?
Upon
This Rock I Shall Build My Church
“I
do not feel obliged to believe that the same god who has endowed us
with sense, reason and intellect has intended us to forgo their
use.”
- Galileo Galilei
“I
am more afraid that this people have so much confidence in their
leaders that they will not inquire for themselves of God whether
they are led by him. I am fearful they settle down in a state of
blind self-security, trusting their eternal destiny in the hands of
their leaders with a reckless confidence that in itself would thwart
the purposes of God in their salvation, and weaken that influence
they could give to their leaders, did they know for themselves, by
the revelations of Jesus, that they are led in the right way. Let
every man and woman know, by the whispering of the Spirit of God to
themselves, whether their leaders are walking in the path the Lord
dictates, or not.”-Brigham Young
My
journey brought me to an exploration of our doctrine when sitting in
church one Sunday our bishop read the following letter:
In March 2000 California voters overwhelmingly approved a state law
providing that “Only marriage between a man and a woman is valid or
recognized in California.” The California Supreme Court recently
reversed this vote of the people. On November 4, 2008, Californians
will vote on a proposed amendment to the California state
constitution that will now restore the March 2000 definition of
marriage approved by the voters.
The Church’s teachings and position on this moral issue are
unequivocal. Marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God,
and the formation of families is central to the Creator’s plan for
His children. Children are entitled to be born within this bond of
marriage.
A broad-based coalition of churches and other organizations placed
the proposed amendment on the ballot. The Church will participate
with this coalition in seeking its passage. Local Church leaders
will provide information about how you may become involved in this
important cause.
We ask that you do all you can to support the proposed
constitutional amendment by donating of your means and time to
assure that marriage in California is legally defined as being
between a man and a woman. Our best efforts are required to preserve
the sacred institution of marriage.
This letter prompted lots of thought on my part. It further
increased my wife’s feelings of alienation when she attended church.
I
made it a matter of prayer and I felt an over-whelming prompting to
not only not support Prop. 8, but to fight against it. I wrote
several letters and submitted them to the web site
SigningforSomething.org. This was the first of four letters.
We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the
dictates of our own conscience, and allow all men the same
privilege, let them worship how, where, or what they may.
When the church was under fire for practicing polygamy we used this
article of faith to support our position, apparently believing that
marriage was part of worshiping Almighty God.
We, as a church, teach that originally marriage started with Adam
and Eve as a covenant between husband and wife and God. This
commitment not only has to do with fidelity for time and eternity
but living the Gospel as well. This ordinance is necessarily
performed by one holding authority from God. Throughout the ages
what has been called marriage has included more and more things.
Plural wives, commitments of fidelity for time only, and commitments
for time performed by individuals that practiced priest craft,
commitments that had nothing to with God performed by a government
representative, even arrangements that had nothing to do with sexual
fidelity at all. Many of these at one time or another have been
taught by the church as not as desirable as the original definition.
We, as a church, have never tried to make it illegal for these
marriages to be performed. Why do we single out this group of people
to be not worthy of the privilege to worship Almighty God according
to the dictates of their own conscience? Why are they unworthy to
worship how, where, or what they may?
It is interesting to me the language of the letter read in many
sacrament meetings.
“The Church’s teachings and position on this moral issue are
unequivocal. Marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God,
and the formation of families is central to the Creator’s plan for
His children. Children are entitled to be born within this bond of
marriage.”
Yes
marriage between a man and a woman is ordained by God. This does not
say marriage between two people of the same sex should be beaten and
killed legally. Also yes, the formation of families is central to
the Creator’s plan for His children. Same sex marriage is forming
families. Many strong stable families are intact because same sex
relationships have persisted long term. Many of these couples have
raised good children; in fact, just as many of these children are
heterosexual as those raised by mixed sex couples. Lastly, if
children are entitled to be born within this bond of marriage, then
same sex marriage will allow many children that are currently being
raised in same sex partnerships to be raised by married people.
I believe children being raised in a committed legally binding
marriage relationship are more likely to seek monogamous
relationships than those being raised by parents just living
together.
I am an active member of the church. I have a testimony of the
scriptures and of continuing revelation. I have had personal
revelation that confirms these things to me. I also have asked God
if I should support the letter read in my sacrament meeting. I have
received my answer. I pray continually that the leaders of the
church will receive a revelation concerning homosexuality. I read
over and over what is published on the church web site concerning
homosexuality. We are taught that the feelings of homosexuality are
not sins. If this is true, why do we seek to persecute those outside
the church who have a different belief about behavior, particularly
those seeking to promote committed legally binding monogamous
relationships?
Same-sex-marriage may not be the same as eternal temple marriage,
but it is far preferable to promiscuity or even living in sin. I
would say in many cases it is far preferable to the pain caused to
those involved in heterosexual marriages when one partner is gay.
This I believe is similar to the church’s position that marriage
performed by someone in government or those practicing priest craft
are not the same as eternal marriage performed in the temple, but
they are far preferable to promiscuity or living in sin. Is this not
why we do nothing to discourage these types of marriages much less
try to make them illegal?
I have been told more than once that this is flirting with apostasy.
A few people were much more direct and just said that I was an
apostate. I disagree.
I
believe we are a church based on revelation, not on the leader. We
disagree with the Catholics on the interpretation of Christ’s words
“upon this rock I will build my church” The Catholics believe he was
referring to the Man Peter “the Pope”. This has very distinct
theological implications. This implies anything said or done by the
current leader comes from God.
We
interpret the Rock that Christ referred to as not the man, but
revelation. This implies that the leader has the authority to
receive revelation and yes, has a responsibility to make policy, but
revelation and policy are two very distinct and different things. As
we look throughout history the leaders of the church have said and
done things that have been a result of culture, not revelation. This
does not make them any less of a prophet. It just means they are
people too. We could list a plethora of examples here, but I will
just point out a few. Abraham kept slaves and even slept with one.
Paul said women should veil their faces and not speak in church.
Brigham Young said “Shall I tell you the law of God in regard to the
African race? If the white man who belongs to the chosen seed mixes
his blood with the seed of Cain, the penalty, under the law of God,
is death on the spot. This will always be so.” I believe that these
are all examples when prophets were speaking from their culture and
not from revelation. The other thing I believe is that progress on
any of these issues such as slavery, women’s rights, or civil rights
would not have been made if people from within a culture did not
speak out loudly and courageously.
I
think if we look more specifically, the example of blacks being
withheld temple blessings and the priesthood we can see some
important things. In 1978 the brethren brought forth a revelation
indicating that all worthy members could attend the temple and all
worthy men could hold the priesthood. We know this was revelation
because all the brethren reported it as such. Please note that
although previously many general authorities had made very vocal
statements about why black members where not to have the full
blessings of the church, not one said their explanation was
revelation or even that the policy itself was a revelation. This
policy of the church was not clearly established in the scriptures
or in revelation.
There are very few major issues in the church that we cannot point
to clear directives in the scriptures or a clear revelation to point
the way, particularly when we look at behavioral requirements. In
fac,t the only one I can think of is the church’s stand on
homosexuality and gay marriage. Remember the rock is revelation, not
the brethren.
Most
members that I talk with are not willing to even consider that
homosexuality is part of God’s plan. They seem to be afraid that if
this were true it would falsify the gospel. I first say the Lord
will yet reveal many great and important things. We do not always
comprehend the things of God. Also remember the words of Joseph
Smith “Our Heavenly Father is more liberal in His views, and [more]
boundless in His mercies and blessings, than we are ready to believe
or receive." So please do not cast out this fruit with unbelief.
Alma taught us how to know if it is a good seed.
First let us look to the scriptures. At one time I assumed that the
Lord’s will was clearly established in the scriptures on the matter
of homosexuality and by extension gay marriage, but let us look.
Let
us point out that Christ never teaches against homosexuality. Also,
Book of Mormon prophets, Doctrine and Covenants, or The Pearl of
Great Price never teach against homosexuality. Homosexuality is not
forbidden in the Ten Commandments.
The
most famous place we look to condemn homosexuality is the story of
Sodom and Gomorrah. After all was not gay sex named after this
place? I believe there are two very important points here. One, the
story never tells us what the sin of Sodom and Gomorrah is. The text
never even implies that the sin is homosexuality. We make this
assumption because of the meaning our society has placed on the word
sodomy. There is no implication at all that consensual adult
homosexual sex was being practiced in this community. Second, what
is talked about in this story is gang rape, and gang rape is very
different than consenting sexual activity.
Outside of the story of Sodom and Gomorrah and references to it
there are only two other sources that condemn homosexuality. The two
places in all of the scriptures that actually preach against
homosexuality are the writings of Paul and the Book of Leviticus.
Leviticus actually calls homosexuality an abomination. This sounds
pretty harsh. It is important to note that all other references to
abominations are ceremonial performances, not moral sin, such as
pork and shell fish. When I read the Book of Leviticus, outside of a
few times one of the Ten Commandments is quoted, the only thing I
see that we accept as doctrine today is the condemnation of
homosexuality.
Paul
also condemned homosexuality. He actually taught that if we did not
have enough faith in Christ we would be plagued with homosexuality.
This seems to contradict with “the feelings of homosexuality are not
sin” which is what the brethren teach today. It seems Paul’s
teachings on sexuality in general are also in direct opposition to
the brethrens’ teaching of today. Paul taught that you serve the
Lord better if you remain celibate. He also taught that the only
reason for marriage is if you were unable to control you sexual
impulses. It seems that today we are taught that marriage helps you
serve the Lord better, given that you are required to be married to
serve as a bishop or any higher leadership calling. Also, rather
than the only reason to marry is if you can’t control your sexual
desire, we are taught marriage is essential to exaltation. Given
that the brethren disagree with Paul on our core beliefs on
sexuality, why would we choose to use him to support our position?
The brethren rarely do. The brethren almost exclusively quote the
Proclamation.
Seeing that there is no clear support in the scriptures for our
position on homosexuality the second place to look is modern
revelation. Like I pointed out before, what the brethren typically
quote is the Proclamation. It seems that there must be some
difference with the Proclamation than say declaration 2 because the
brethren never call the proclamation a revelation.
President Packer at the world-wide training on the family did say
the Proclamation was the best source to look to about homosexuality.
So our best source is not the scriptures, it is not a revelation; it
is the Proclamation on the Family.
So
let us look at what the proclamation says about homosexuality and
gay marriage.
The
first line reads:
We,
the First Presidency and the Council of the Twelve Apostles of The
Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, solemnly proclaim that
marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and that the
family is central to the Creator's plan for the eternal destiny of
His children.
‘Marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God’ is repeated
several more times. We can infer that this is important. Note that
it never says that any other type of marriage is condemned by God.
Do we assume that whatever families that are not specifically
mentioned as ordained, that we should hunt and kill? Do we work to
make it illegal for single parents to raise children?
The
next line from the Proclamation we see used to defend the church’s
position on homosexuality is this:
Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal,
mortal, and eternal identity and purpose.
I
ask what this says about homosexuality. Gender is how masculine or
feminine you are. Gender is not something directly affected by
orientation. There are very masculine men that are gay and very
feminine men that are straight. This may say something about
Transgender individuals, but what? Does it say that if your eternal
spiritual gender conflicts with your physical gender you should
change the physical to match the eternal?
Also
similar to the first line:
We
further declare that God has commanded that the sacred powers of
procreation are to be employed only between man and woman, lawfully
wedded as husband and wife.
So
where does God “commanded that the powers of procreation are to be
employed only between man and woman....” I do believe the brethren
believe that God implied this somehow, but unless this here is the
Lord’s words himself, I am unaware where he commands this.
Again very similar to the first line:
Marriage between man and woman is essential to His eternal plan.
And
again stating that this is essential to his plan does not speak to
anything else being eliminated or not part of his plan.
I
find this line very interesting:
Further, we warn that the disintegration of the family will bring
upon individuals, communities, and nations the calamities foretold
by ancient and modern prophets.
In
European countries that had seen for many years a decline of
traditional marriage and a rising rate of divorce found both these
statistics turn around once gay marriage was legalized. Therefore we
see indications that gay marriage itself can have a positive effect
on all families, even traditional families.
Similarly I believe the last line of the proclamation calls us to
protect all families and in no way justifies attacking one type of
family:
We
call upon responsible citizens and officers of government everywhere
to promote those measures designed to maintain and strengthen the
family as the fundamental unit of society.
As
we see, given that the proclamation is the best source to teach us
about homosexuality and gay marriage, it really does not teach us
that homosexuality is wrong or justifies attacking gay marriage.
On
my journey I discovered that these policies that the brethren are
defending concerning homosexuality and gay marriage are not
scriptural or given in revelation, but rather they are culturally
based like slavery, misogyny, and racial bigotry. Also like slavery,
misogyny, and racial bigotry, unless we in the culture figure out
how to stand up, speak out, and change what is wrong, they will
continue even among the Lord’s chosen leaders.
Wickedness Never Was Happiness
"I
give you a strong caution. Be wary of the word tolerance.... we are
not required to tolerate anything that leads to unhappiness....
Tolerance is often demanded but seldom returned. Beware of
tolerance. It is a very unstable virtue."-Boyd K. Packer
Many
members of the church are familiar with the story of Stuart Matis.
Stuaart’s story has been told in many places one being the book “In
Quiet Desperation.” Stuart was an active member of the church in CA.
Stuart was gay. He lived the gospel. He was living a celibate life.
He struggled to continue his activity in the church because of the
pain church activity caused because he was gay. He never gave up his
membership or his activity. He shot himself on the steps of his
stake center. Stuart’s story is a very painful one. Unfortunately,
Stuart’s experience is not unique. Over the last few years I have
met quite a few gay members of the church. I also have read many
experiences of gay members of the church. The book “No More
Goodbyes” by Carol Lynn Pearson is a beautiful book that shares many
of these stories.
Every homosexual member I have met that is working to get rid of
this part of them has Stuart Matis’ pain in common. These people
struggle with self-hatred every day. They typically share that they
have struggles with suicide. In fact, three times more gay men in
the church commit suicide than straight men. I believe this
statistic is probably not telling the whole story. This is talking
about self-reporting gay men. How many of those being counted as
straight just never reported they were gay.
I
have also met many homosexuals that have left the church and are now
in same sex relationships. In my experience, when I speak with these
people they talk about having the same struggles with misery when
they were in the church. Yet, they radiate joy when I talk to them.
They have all struck me now as very happy people.
I
have always been taught that living the gospel brings happiness in
this life and eternal life in the life to come. I cannot believe
that God would require his children to exchange happiness in order
to experience misery in this life to gain eternal life.
What
about living in the church causes this misery for our homosexual
members? I think some of it has to do with what I have already
referred to. Sitting in wards afraid that your brothers and sisters
around you will find out who you really are, must exact a huge
price. Also, constantly having a “core characteristic” as Elder
Wickman describes gender-orientation, continually referred to as
pathology or a malignancy of character by calling it
same-sex-attraction. This also must exact a huge price. I believe
that when the church seems to ignore the homophobia within the
church, and then devotes an unbelievable amount of time and energy
mobilizing our members to donate millions of dollars to make it
illegal for nonmember homosexuals to call their monogamist
relationships marriage, it must send an almost undeniable message to
the heart of every homosexual member. In Stuart Matis’ case the
churches fight for Prop. 22 in CA was the last straw before he shot
himself.
I do
believe that all of these things are huge factors, but I believe the
true source can be found directly in a doctrine that, when examine,
is contradictory. The church’s doctrine seems to have come a long
way. It was only in the 1970’s when our leaders were saying
homosexuality was a choice and that it was chosen because of sin. In
the 1980 we heard things like homosexuality can be cured by treating
selfishness. In the 1990’s we started hearing that the feelings of
homosexuality are not sin. Just recently in the Oaks/Wickman
interview published on lds.org., Elder Oak’s acknowledged that we do
not know why someone is gay.
To
say that the feelings of homosexuality are not sin, seems like a
world of difference from homosexuals are all sinful. What does it
really mean? We are taught that the feelings of homosexuality are
not sin. We are also taught that those same feelings are all
temptations that should be resisted at all cost, and never be given
in to. We are taught those feelings are completely out of harmony
with God’s plan. We are taught that only through heterosexual
marriage can we receive the highest degree of glory. We are taught
that homosexual members should treat these feelings as if they are
serious sin, and only share them with a bishop and maybe a close
family member. We are taught that homosexual members should not
spend much time with or have close relationships with people of the
same sex. We are taught that homosexual members should not associate
with those who talk openly about homosexuality. We are taught that
homosexual members can only be exalted by pretending to be
heterosexual and some day in this life or the next to become
heterosexual.
When
these feelings never go away; when these feelings come from the body
that God gave you; when these feelings are aptly described as core
characteristic by Elder Wickman; what are our gay brothers and
sisters going to feel? How can they not eventually feel that the
church’s current policy may sound more loving, but in essence it is
no different than just to say if you are gay you are going to hell?
I believe that regardless of the loving comments of the brethren, it
is this façade that is the root of the misery of our homosexual
brothers and sisters. I believe that there is not a homosexual
person alive that can get up day after day believing this doctrine
and not eventually struggle with self-hatred. This is not God’s plan
because God does love his children, all of his children. So it is
really our theology that is not only at the root of the pain
homosexual members feel, but also at the root of all the cultural
and institutional bigotry I have discussed.
When
my wife shared with me she was gay, I saw a seed planted in my life.
As my wife and I have learned how to honor and accept ourselves and
each other many things changed in our home and in our hearts. Now
that we are divorced that seed has become the best thing in our
home. Because we now can fully love ourselves, what neither of us
could do before, the spirit is stronger in our home and our hearts.
Because we can fully love ourselves we are better friends than ever
before. Because we can fully love ourselves we are better parents
than we have ever been. Because we can fully love ourselves our
children are happier than ever before. Our children get along better
with each other and have better friendships than they ever had. Our
children are now doing better in school than they ever have. Now we
are divorced our family in every way I can think of is closer,
happier, and more spiritual. I believe that planting this good seed
and refusing to tolerate all the things that lead to unhappiness in
our lives has made all the difference." -Gail Bartholomew,
Corvallis, Oregon
